Thursday, August 18, 2011

Laugh It Up, Fuzzball

The last few days, I have been Mistress Crankypants. I am in need of cheering up, kittens. I want to laugh. And you can help. For your efforts, you could win a copy of Lighthouse by William Monahan. It is the FUNNIEST book I've ever read, and I would love to share it with you, because it is out of print, for unknown, ridiculous reasons, and I think everyone should read it. (Unless you're easily offended - it's extremely profane.)

Here's all you have to do - in the comments below, post these three things:
  • The title of the funniest book you've read
  • Your favorite joke
  • Your email address
You have until 11:59pm EST, on Sunday, August 21st, to post, and then I'll pick a winner at random on Monday.

Hooray - I'm feeling better already!


  1. The funniest book I've ever read is ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY by David Sedaris. Someone offered to call me an ambulance one time when I was reading this book in public.

    A favorite joke: A man in his 20s was still a virgin because he had a very small penis and was very insecure about it. Exasperated, his friends decided to get him a prostitute for his birthday. He insisted they be intimate with the lights off so she wouldn't see his very small penis. As things started to heat up, he put her hand on it. Her response? Thanks, but I don't smoke.

    bibliophile at

  2. Funny books - Lawrence Sanders Archibald McNally series

    Favorite joke - It's all shits and giggles 'til someone giggles and shits.

  3. Funniest book: The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin

    Joke: A girl with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying when three men walk past. The first one asks her what's wrong. 'iv'e got no arms and no legs,' she says 'and i've never been hugged'. He bends down and hugs her and for a second the crying stops. The men are about to walk away when she starts to cry again. 'what now?' says the second man. 'i'm 20 years old,' she says 'I have no arms and no legs and I have never been kissed.' So he bends down on one knee, puts his lips to hers and kisses her hard. But as they walk away she looks at the third man and starts to cry. 'I'm twenty years old, got no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked,' she says, tears streaming down her face. The third man bends down to her, lifts her up, and throws her into the sea.
    'You're fucked now,' he says.

  4. Funniest book for me, so far... 'The Burglar Diaries' by Danny King. Just laugh out loud funny.
    A favourite joke: Two peanuts walking down the road. One was a salted.
    (My 8 year old daughter told me that one at end of term. Still makes me giggle)

  5. The funniest book I've ever read is DRINKING MIDNIGHT WINE by Simon R. Green. I have literally laughed out loud reading the book, dark parts in it aside.

    How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza long before it was cool.

  6. Funniest book - Lamb by Christopher Moore. If I were on a first date with this book, I'd skip the 3 day rule and call it the next day.

    Favourite Joke:
    Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
    Because he was hit by a bus.

    lulumsa at

  7. One of the funniest books I remember reading is "A Parrot In The Pepper Tree" by Chris Stewart.... funny and totally unusual!!

    A joke: A dog goes into a bar and says:
    -I'd like a beer and somethig to eat, please. The barman astonished says:
    -Oh my God!!! you know what?? There is a circus in town for the whole week, you should go there and ask for a job!!!
    And the dog goes:
    -Oh, really?? Do they need a plumber??

  8. funniest book, pretty much anything by bukowski. though bordain's right up there. best joke....there's this fly and he's buzzing above this stream. in the stream there's a fish and the fish is thinking to himself " if that fly goes down six inches. i'll swim up, snag that fly and ill have myself a good meal." well near the stream there's a bush and in the bush there's a bear. the bear is watching the fish and the fly. and he's thinking to himself " if that fly goes down six inches. the fish will snag the fly, i'll snag the fish, i'll have myself a good meal." near the stream and the bush there's a tree. and in the tree, there's a hunter and he's looking at the bear, the fish and the fly. he's thinking to himself " if that fly goes down six inches. the fish wil snag the fly, the bear will grab the fish, i'll shoot the bear and i'll have myself a good meal." now the hunters got a piece of cheese. and at the bottom of the tree there's a mouse. the mouse is watching the hunter, the bear, the fish and the fly. He's also thinking " if that damn fly goes down six inches. Fish'll snag the fly, bear'll grab the fish, hunter'll shoot the bear and drop the cheese. I'll go for the cheese and have myself a good meal. near the tree in another bush there's a cat. The cat's looking at the mouse,the cheese, the hunter, the bear, the fish and the fly. She's thinking to herself. "If that fly goes down six inches. The fish will snag the fly, the bear will grab the fish, hunter will shoot the bear, drop the cheese, the mouse will go for the cheese. I'll go for the mouse and have myself a god meal." well time passes and wouldn't you know. The fly dropped six inches, the fish swam up snagged the fly,the bear charges from the bush, grabs the fish, the hunter aims and shoots the bear, drops the cheese, the mouse goes for the cheese, the cat leaps from the bushes claws for the mouse, misses and falls in the stream. What's the moral of the story? ................................if a fly goes down six inches. A pussy's gettin' wet.


    A Prayer for Owen Meany (Okay, I don't read a lot of funny-books.)


    a. Knock-knock
    b. Who's there?
    a. The interrupting cow
    b. The interu-
    a. MOOOOO!

    You know the joke, but do you really? See:


    john.c.herman+libertyISawesome "at" gmail "dot" com (Really. That is my email address. Try it.)


    How did the hipster burn his fingertips? He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.

    You know how to reach me!

  11. Funny book: Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (or Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, if you prefer)

    Joke: A ship is at sea, when one morning, they spy a pirate ship on the horizon. They try to outrun the pirates, but by mid-afternoon they know it's useless, so they prepare to fight.
    The captain turns to his first mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." He find the shirt, and he and his crew manage to fight off the pirates and win the day.
    The next morning, though, they find three pirate ships closing from the horizon. Again, their efforts to escape come to nought, so they prepare to fight.
    The captain once more turns to his first mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." Once more, the crew is victorious over the pirates.
    That night, as the crew is celebrating their triumph, the first mate approaches the captain and asks, "Why do you always ask for your red shirt before a battle?"
    The captain replies, "I wear my red shirt so that if I am injured, the blood will be hidden and the crew will fight on, unafraid." The crew is mightily impressed and awed.
    The next morning, the crew is shocked to see twenty pirate ships on the horizon. As one, they turn to their captain. The captain looks at the first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants."

    My email:

  12. I'd like to cast my vote for Charles Portis's THE DOG OF THE SOUTH. (Though I might think of something funnier in the days to come, this has had the distinction of making me laugh uncontrollably on the subway, so...)

    A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar.

    The priest walks up to the bartender; says, "I'd like a glass of wine, just like we have for communion."

    Bartender says, "I can do that." Gets a glass down off the shelf; opens a bottle of red wine; pours the priest a glass. The bartender hands the wine to the priest, the priest hands the bartender some money and says, "Thank you kindly," and sits down.

    The rabbi walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a glass of Manischewitz." The bartender says, "I can do that." He goes to the shelf, takes down a glass, opens up the bottle of Manischewitz and pours the rabbi a glass.

    The rabbi says, "Thank you kindly," pays the bartender, and sits down.

    The whale walks up to the bar and says OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


  13. Beyond Good and Evil - Fred Nietszche

    You've heard the Jonestown joke? I've given up telling it - the punch line's too long.

  14. The funniest book I've ever read is GOOD OMENS, obviously, and my favourite joke is this:

    Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

  15. My favourite funny book is Sue Townsend's 'The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Age 13 and 3 quarters.'

    Favourite funny : Pope lands in America and gets out of the plane. The crowd scream, "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" The Pope cries, "No! No! I'm the Pope. The Pope! You know, from the Vatican." The crowd continues to chant, "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" He sighs and gets into his Pope mobile. Hoards line the street, all hollering "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" He points to his mitre and mouths, "No! I'm the Pope! The Pope I tell you!" This continues all the way to his hotel. Finally with echoes of "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" still reverberating, he arrives in his room, closes the door and slumps disheartened. Suddenly he hears a girlie squeal. Startled, he swivels to see a gorgeous blonde model lying on his bed. She pulls back the covers to show her naked body. Her pouting glossy mouth parts letting out a breathy "Elvis! Oh, Elvis! Come to me, Elvis!" The Pope stares at her and slams his mitre to the floor. He strides towards her, raising his arms and roars, "Blue, Blue, Blue Suede Shoes! Elvis is in the building. Thank you very much!"

    Email is:
    Don't forget Twitter: @thecraftyscribe

    I love write_place!

  16. Funny book: The Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

    Funniest Joke: A man wants who is not well endowed is getting married. So a few weeks before he meets his inlaws for the first time he visits the doctor. The man tells the doctor about his problem and the doctor says "we're doing special things with animal parts..."

    So a few weeks later he is having dinner at his inlaws house. As a plate of baked potatoes is being passed the man's way he feels a rumbling in his pants. He unzips his fly to take a look and as the plate reaches him an elephant trunk reaches out of his pants grabs a baked potato and returns to his pants.

    His mother in law is staring, in shock, and asks can you do that again? And the man replies, "I could, but I don't think I can fit another potato in my ass..."


  17. 1. Funniest book: A Fine and Pleasant Misery, Patrick F. McManus

    2. Favorite joke - that Congress has our best interests in mind.

    3. robert dot prol at gmail dot com